If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
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Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow