If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
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“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
it must be school picture day
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”