If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
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Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business