@notalogin

If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.

You Might Also Like

@roxiqt

Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.

@djdarrellripley

Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?

Me: What a beautiful language…

@bobvulfov

day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island

day 18: im starting to think that help will never come

day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!

day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen

@TheWeirdWorld

Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.

@EJGomez

me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003

@seamusmckracken

My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.

@TheHyyyype

hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence