If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
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Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not