If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
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It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Miscakes
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…