If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
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Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
yea so i messed up lol
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Oh hi lol
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?