If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
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My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “