If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
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[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Software Development ⛵️
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog: