If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
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when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing