If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.

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a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”


All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.


I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken


i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play


“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.


(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”

“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”



14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen


First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is


The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.


Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.