If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
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Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
WTF IS THAT!
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
how to have an accident 101
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol