If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
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me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.