If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
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[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT