If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
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Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
first you must answer his riddles
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists