If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
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Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Ugh
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?