If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
You Might Also Like
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z