If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.

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I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.


To all newly married guys…..

If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.


ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u


ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*

SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment


People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.


When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.


Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.


When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.

Worked a treat.

Got me twenty years.


welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice