If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
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[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!