If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
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My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Oops I deleted….
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
New Tinder profile.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it