If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
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Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic