If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
You Might Also Like
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Always the camel, never the toe.
Have kids, they said
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.