If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.

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It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.


Only God can judge me.

*gets hit by lightning*


My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.


I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.


Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.


When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.


CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)


When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset