@JohnHilsen

If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.

*only works at Home Depot

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@HomeWithPeanut

My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?

Me: Sounds like we had a good run.

@BDGarp

I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.

@ThisRebelSoul

Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.

@aprilmaywilson

Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.

@TragicAllyHere

I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode

@emily_tweets

How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste

@JulianLeeComedy

I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.

@jenlaw_11

Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.

@TheAlexNevil

“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”