If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
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No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.