If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
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I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
good let them take over I have had enough
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy