If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
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Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet