If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.
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As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
I wish I had the confidence of this kitten who jumps up the same wall everyday thinking it’s gonna stick to it like Spider-Man