If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
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Finally a use for spoilers…
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks