If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
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Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.