If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
You Might Also Like
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers