@Bob_Heller “May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
@freedomtosee “If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
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@Bob_Heller 
@punmagnate Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
@zoeklar my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
@karanbirtinna In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
@QwertyJones3 [interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
@WheelTod If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
@SoNotThePoint_ Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
@Brampersandon_ INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
@SCbchbum Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
@RiotGrlErin i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.