@freedomtosee

“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!

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@Bob_Heller

“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”

“Um, there’s no such thing.”

“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”

@punmagnate

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

@zoeklar

my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”

@QwertyJones3

[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?

“You do the math”

@WheelTod

If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.

@SoNotThePoint_

Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.

@Brampersandon_

INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness

@SCbchbum

Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”

Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?

@RiotGrlErin

i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.