“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!

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“Um, there’s no such thing.”

“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”


Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.


my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”


[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?

“You do the math”


If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.


Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.


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ME: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness


Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”

Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?


i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.