If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
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son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?