If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
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Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.