If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
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“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Good boy 😂😂
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it