If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
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Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.