If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
You Might Also Like
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
*bites zombie*
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Need WebMD
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.