If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
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If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Weirdos gonna weird.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
bro what is going on at twitter
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed