If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
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What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
TODAY
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.