If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
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My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Whoa… oh I see lol
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
my mom making me talk to relatives
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?