If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
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How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
iPhone X
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.