If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
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When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Meowchelangelo
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls