@PaperWash

If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.

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@Mom_Overboard

Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws

@KentWGraham

I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.

@GaryDelaney

I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.

@STRIKINGxVIKING

This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….

Long story short….Send bail money…

@IGotsSmarts

My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.

@Cherbearxo

Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.

@Breadery

I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.

@Home_Halfway

Skywritten letters:

SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR

@whereami18

My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up

@ozzyunc

Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.