If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
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Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
my proudest tweet
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.