If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
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Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
In space, no one can hear…
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.