If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.

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If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.


George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.



Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?

me: well, I am not certain but


no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed


doctor: why do you think you need this medication?

me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome


I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.


Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.


Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents


I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.