@impaulmccoy

If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.

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@WritePlay

AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE

@ColoradoUgly

Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.

@justabloodygame

“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.

@lincnotfound

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

@Book_Krazy

HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*

@DogGoing

What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.

@itsmebeegee07

Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits

Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.

@sara_ashlynn

My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.

@crazylikeanox

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator