If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.

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AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-


Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.


“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.


professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale


HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*


What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.


Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits

Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.


My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.


I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator