If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
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If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.