If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
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A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Human are so complicated
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.