If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
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*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Sticker placement is key.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
bury ourselves
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
classic mixup
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.