if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
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stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
water it, i dare you
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.