if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
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I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
i think we should see other cousins
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.