if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
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Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.