If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
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You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
They grow up so quick
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.