If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
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I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds