If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
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Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
The three genders
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
I only treason on days ending in y
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh